Monthly Archives: November 2009

Fair, Who Ever Said Life Was Fair?

dad and daughtersThose of you who know me well, know that I am a man who is never at a loss for words. Instead of talking so much and yes I still do that, this forum has allowed me to put some of those words to paper. I must say that I was totally shocked by the impact that my last blog posting had on so many people. Yea, some have accused me of being a little over dramatic at times so I was not really sure if or how many of you would respond.

The relationship between a dad and a daughter is certainly a wonderful thing. It is something that only a dad and a daughter can truly understand. It was never my intention to bring people to tears, only remind them that life is fleeting and to enjoy every moment of the quality opportunities that we are granted. My two daughters allow me to be a part of many of their life’s experiences along with them and for that I am very blessed.

You see, life is really a funny thing. Not necessarily in a Ha Ha… way, but more specifically in an ironic way. True, sometimes it can be humorous. Sometimes it can be carefree and sometimes problematic. Sometimes it can be adventurous and daring and other times full of trepidation and anxiety. However, the one thing that life is not is fair.

As young kids, we often told our parents that certain things just weren’t fair. “How come she can do it and I can’t, that’s not fair”. Why did they pick him and not me, that’s just not fair”.

If you are so inclined to do so, look at the MSN online Encarta dictionary and you will find that there are thirteen different adjective definitions, three adverb, and two verb definitions. That would make eighteen different definitions for one word.

However, when you review each one you will find that life is not any of them. It is nor reasonable or unbiased, it’s not done according to the rules. It’s not acceptable or slightly better than acceptable.

When did this perception that life was fair start? Who ever said that things need to be fair?

In the last couple of months I have seen three friends lose their young sons due to varying circumstances, and a groomsman from my wedding who was followed shortly thereafter by his heartbroken father.

If the years you have experienced haven’t spoken to you yet, let me remind you. Life is not fair. It wasn’t meant to be, it never intended to be and it never will be. Life is not a destination that we arrive at like a train station or an airport terminal. Life is not arriving at grandma’s house safe and sound. Life is an adventure more comparable to a roller coaster with its ups and downs and unpredictability.

We all react differently and we all see the experience differently. Some will see it as an awesome ride and others will see it as a few minutes of sheer panic. The truth is that the experience creates your perception.

Watching my oldest daughter drive off to Florida to begin the rest of her life was heartbreaking to me. Watching a parent lose a child is nothing short of gut wrenching. My heart aches for their families and I can find no spoken or unspoken words to say other than that I am truly sorry and that I will always be there should they need me for support.

Yes, I know and understand that some of you may feel that it is part of the plan of a higher being, or that they are in a better place now. I grieved when I lost my father a few years back and I grew to respect and understand the words that others said to me. I knew that their intentions were well meaning, but for me, at that time, it just wasn’t fair that he was taken at such a young age and there was no rationalization that I could grasp.

Some will say that I have no business writing a blog about a topic I have no personal experience with, and thank God I don’t. I do have experience being a parent to children I love and adore. There is nothing fair about a parent having to bury a child. It’s not fair.

I am heartbroken for these families and I hope that they can find the necessary comfort to move on at some point with the rest of their lives. I understand that it will never be the same for them again. I will however be there as a friend with open arms and a listening ear when they need someone they can count on.

I am sure that right now they can not find any peace or any semblance of understanding for what has happened. To my friends, you are right, it is not fair. Each of your children was incredibly special and touched every life that they came upon. In their own way they enriched the lives of others and made an impact on this world.

Know that the last message they left the rest of us was that life is not fair and that we as parents should be more focused and driven to find a few more minutes in our busy lives to pick up our own kids and hug them or stop and call them to tell them how much we love them and how proud we are of them.

I love you girls and I am damn proud of you.